Cranberry Moms

“There is power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it, it simply invades them. Accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it.”

Sheryl Feldman

With the anniversary of Charlotte’s birth upon me, I can’t help but reflect on that day.  It is the one day that I can play over and over again in my mind and remember every detail.  No other day (except for my wedding and the birth of Lillian) is as lucid in my mind as Charlotte’s birth.  It amazes me that almost three years later I can still recall the panic feeling after my water broke unexpectedly during a routine trip to the bathroom at 4:30 a.m.  I can recall the overwhelming sense of worry during and throughout labor, hoping that my baby would be “ok”  I can recall the exact moment I held her for the first time, staring into her big eyes and not wanting to let her go.  I can recall those lonely first few hours after she arrived when we sat in our recovery room waiting to go and see her.  I recall the profound sense of emptiness I felt leaving the hospital Christmas day without her.  And I recall taking her home 13 days later and feeling like I never want to let her go.  As I type this with tear welling up in my eyes, somewhere deep down inside, way, I still feel some of the guilt from her early birth.  I’m a mother and with that comes unbelievable joy and sometimes guilt – for things that I know were beyond my control, but somehow I can’t help but still feel a little responsible for.

During the first few weeks after Charlotte came home, a visiting nurse came daily to check in on Charlotte and us.  Jody was my angel, saving me from my guilt and helping me find my strength and ability to breastfeed my baby.  It is hard (to say the least) to try and breastfeed a baby after she has taken a bottle for a month and a half.  With Jody’s support, I was able to make the difficult transition to breastfeeding a NICU baby and went on nurse her until she was two.  While I don’t recall every visit with her, I do remember feeling at peace  with my birth experience because of her support.  She reassured me that Charlotte would be fine and that while I had this perfect birth story all planned some of the best birth stories are the “messy ones.”  Those births that are completely the different from what we expected are sometimes the ones that teach us the most about ourselves.  It is from my experience with both Charlotte and Lillian’s births that I have considered becoming a doula.  I want to be an advocate for birthing moms, help guide them in their birth choices and remind them that what ever happens during the birth their experience is beautiful and special.  I’m excited to start this journey slowly by first becoming a La Leche League leader and providing breastfeeding support to new moms.  At the end of this coming year,  a doula training course if offered near my home that will give me an opportunity to get some much needed training.  I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I do know that in some way I want to be an advocate for birthing moms and help them in their journey to becoming moms.